I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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