this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Randomize
