Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
