hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
