What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize