i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
