Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
