Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Operation Purity has been aborted
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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