You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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