areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
