I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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