we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
