His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
