put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
