i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He has the fingertips of a God
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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