Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize