i just identified you from a description of your pipe
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
