I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize