When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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