If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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