I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
