Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize