My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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