I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
