I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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