yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
