the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
