i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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