So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
