Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
