he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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