Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Randomize
