I didn't shave. On purpose
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
