your parents love me but you hate me
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
