hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
