The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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