I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
