So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
