i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
