I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize