I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
