Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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