this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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