explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
