I just pynch a tree in the face
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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