Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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