I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
