you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
