Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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