why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
