I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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