We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
