I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
