omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
