i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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