i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I need to align my fucking chakras
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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