my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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