I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
