dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
