She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
