Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
